Patience

We get these orb weavers, garden weavers, writing spiders, call them what you want, etc every year. This guy has a special place in my heart, though, because he's lived in the bushes by our front patio for a couple of months now. I watch him calmly, beautifully, and patiently craft his web, catch some treasures, and then rebuild almost daily, after the universe temporarily sets him back a little bit.

He is patient.

This is a lesson for me. So many things have been, lately. 

I must be patient.

The treasures will come. I will have to rebuild a few times in between.

But, I shall be patient.

BENIGN!

Good news! 
I spoke to the nurse navigator today and she told me some wonderful news - the second spot is benign! She went into some detail about what it actually WAS, and I tried hard to pay attention, but all that information is lost for the moment as I was freaking out about the amazing news that the doc just now has to focus on one spot, instead of two.

Bad news!
Because the news came in slightly after Jon and I were already on the road for the surgical consult, we cancelled enroute, since we needed this news to progress anyway (it's over a 30 minute drive each time we head from our house to Lexington, SC). So, some kiddo-sitting plans by Grandma and also Jon flipping his schedule around to chauffeur were all for naught. Minor, I suppose, in the grand scheme.

Next!
I have the surgical consult in 3 days, on Monday, which of course is Jon's first day of teaching and Andrew's first day of online learning for the year. Crazy times, but I believe we already know what the plan will be: lumpectomy with probable radiation treatments after healing.

MRI-Guided Biopsy: Not gonna sugarcoat this one

Today I had my MRI-guided biopsy. It was scheduled so the pathologists could diagnose the second spot that's been too small to see with mammography. So, far, it's been the most challenging procedure during this journey (except the WAITING, as I've said many times before..... the waiting trumps everything).

I was face down on the same MRI table like before, and this time, the tech positioned my breast into what was like a tiny milk crate to help the doctor position the needle accurately (a GOOD thing). They slid me in, took photos, slid me out, repositioned, slid me in..... you get it. It was totally the "Hokey Pokey" of procedures. After a few minutes they inserted the contrast agent via IV and then on this slide out, the fun began: numbing with a lidocaine shot, then positioning of the tissue extractor, then more photos, then the extraction itself which, to me HURT but to them was described as some "discomfort." The extractor sounds like a drill (also a bit unnerving) and I am thankful I DID NOT LOOK at the needle itself, because the doctor had to go basically as deep into my breast as anyone could have gone, and also about 6 different times. He kept saying "one more time" like the worst band director ever, and I was pretty happy when he promised this one would TRULY be the last time. Afterward, I bled a LOT. I was bandaged and my chest was wrapped pretty much like a mummy, and then I thankfully ran briskly walked out of that place, for what I hope is the last time ever. I equate this experience to that of a dentist drilling for a cavity, except with your boob, the loud MRI machine, and lots more blood than you think should be leaking out of you. Thankfully, my cancer club sisters had warned me to take some extra strength tylenol a few minutes before going in, which I did, and I know that made it way more tolerable.

My dear school friend took me to the appointment and then my dear sweet husband and family picked me up. I got out of the medieval torture chamber procedure pretty early, so I had some time to kill. I bought this shirt at the gift shop and am in love.

After that, I walked around the beautiful hospital grounds for a while and plopped myself down beside this beautiful fountain, which doubled as a Harry Potter Wizards Unite greenhouse, so I entertained myself there by playing my game until Jon made it.

Tomorrow, we meet with my surgeon to hopefully get the results and all the answers we need to schedule surgery. That date has been LONG AWAITED.

TICK. TOCK. TICK. TOCK.

I will undergo an MRI-assisted biopsy next Thursday. Then, we meet the surgeon on Friday to discuss the results and formulate THE PLAN. I have been waiting so hard for that and I hope it will make everything feel a little bit better. Because, truthfully, things feel pretty bad right now.

This is me after last week's ultrasound where they couldn't find the tiny brat of a lesion.

I am trying very hard to view the waiting as a benefit - my early detection/Stage 1 news has allowed the POSITIVE aspect of TIME between diagnosis and surgery. Doctors have had TIME to order and administer multiple tests (see my cray cray timeline) in order to provide me with the very best care possible.

All the cancer club sisters keep saying this is the toughest part. I've gotta remember that.

My Breast Cancer Timeline

One of my cancer club sisters shared her timeline on her blog. I have loved it, because comparing mine to hers has made the days and days and days of waiting seem less absurd and just kind of the norm.

So, here's mine. I'll [hopefully] keep it updated as this journey progresses.

2020:
July 15 - Routine Mammogram (should have been in March but COVID-19 scared me off)
July 23 - Notification of Abnormal Results
July 29 - Ultrasound
August 3 - Core Biopsy
August 4 - Diagnosis: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 1 (isn't "carcinoma" a hideous word???)
August 7 - First Surgical Consult
August 10 - Genetic Testing
August 14 - MRI
August 18 - MRI Results (new tumor located)
August 19 - Fantastic Genetic Results (BRCA negative)
August 20 - Second Ultrasound
August 27 - Second Biopsy (MRI-Assisted)
August 28 - Second Surgical Consult Late but GREAT 2nd Biopsy Results: BENIGN
August 31 - Second Surgical Consult
September 3 - Surgery (partial mastectomy, otherwise known as lumpectomy)
September 14 - Post-Surgery Consult

September 21 - Oncotype Result News (6 out of 100 = NO CHEMO!)

September 24 - Radiation Oncologist Consultation

September 29 - Medical Oncologist Consultation/CT Scan for Radiation Mapping

October 6 - "Official" Mapping Appointment

October 7 - First day of actual radiation therapy

October 8 and 9 - Radiation Treatments #2 and #3

October 12 through 16 - Radiation Treatments #4 through #8

October 19 through 23 - Radiation Treatments #9 through #13

October 26 through 30 - Radiation Treatments #14 through #18

November 2 and 3 - Radiation Treatments #19 and #20

November 4 - FINAL RADIATION TREATMENT!

November 10 - Medical Oncologist Follow-Up

November 16 - First day of Tamoxifen

December 17 - Medical Oncologist Exam

2nd Ultrasound and Conditioning with BEER

Who can ever sanely say they WISHED they'd had the biopsy? Well, that was me today. I went in, almost enthusiastically, even, fully expecting to be stabbed again, which would lead to more ANSWERS.

NOPE.

My second spot is apparently very deep - right behind my breast on the chest wall, and pretty much directly behind the nipple. So, against her best efforts, the doc wasn't able to find it today.  

Next step? An MRI-guided biopsy. This is a disappointing setback and I am unsure of the timing because there are only a few doctors who perform such a procedure. I will hopefully know more about the schedule tomorrow. At this point, I am READY to undergo whatever surgery I need ASAP! I am not even afraid anymore. We are going on a month here - just cut everything out of me, please, and quick.

We stopped for another patio draft beer following today's lousy news. I joked on facebook that this is an attempt to condition myself to actually enjoy the gamut of ridiculous medical procedures. So far, it's not working, so we shall keep trying! GOALS. 

Excellent News!

The genetic counselor called today with the AMAZING news that I am negative for both breast cancer gene mutations (BRCA1 and BRCA2). I started sobbing while talking to her; the release was wonderful.

This news means something else caused my cancer and I wasn't pre-determined to get it, and it's not going to automatically recur. It also means I haven't passed a mutated gene to my boys, so my future grandchildren have a good chance of being well. AND, it means I don't necessarily need a bilateral mastectomy; being positive for either gene would have meant that.

We haven't had a lot of great news with this cancer BULLS$%T lately, so I will happily take this nugget!

GO, GENES! Thanks, Mom and Dad.

MRI. misfeed. meh.

Feeling meh for sure.

Got the MRI results this morning. There is another spot (smaller - 6 mm) in the same breast. Nothing in the other and the lymph nodes appear clear (both good things). My pincushion self will be undergoing another core biopsy this Thursday to see if this is a worrisome place, as well. The MRI shows EVERYTHING, so there are many false positives. I am hanging onto that glimmer of hope. Jon (thank GOD he's allowed to attend), the surgeon, and I meet in a week to discuss all results and plan the type and date of surgery. That's only one more agonizing week of waiting to get to the next step.

I was laminating some music-teaching things this morning. I still need to figure out THAT part of life, and quickly, in my BRAND NEW DISTRICT, starting the year with a LONG-TERM SUB in the middle of COVID CONCERNS due to being IMMUNOCOMPROMISED. Who doesn't love a challenge, right?

But, back to the lamination. I laminated 18 of these boogers perfectly. As symbolism would have it, with this one, THE LAST ONE, I misfed and it's a mess.

Here's hoping the universe was trying to remind me that this health challenge is nothing more than a little misfeed. I am going with that.

Waiting by the phone.......

I had this phone as a teenager. It was awesome. The waiting beside it? Not so much.

Fast-forward a few decades to my trusty iPhone that is ALWAYS WITH ME. WELL, somehow I missed a call from the nurse navigator this afternoon. She was ready to divulge my MRI results. By the time I got her message, she was out of the office. I joked with my cancer club girls that I haven't waited by the phone this much since I was 15 and a cute boy was [hopefully but usually not] calling.

THIS. ALL. SUCKS.

The cancer club girls maintain that the waiting is worse than any surgery or treatment. As someone who is now waiting another 12+ hours until tomorrow morning to learn how much cancer is actually in these breasts of mine, I tend to agree with them.

But still... if you didn't have this phone, aren't you jealous right now? You should be.

MRI and Birthday and Being OUT!

Today was a big one - the MRI. It was also Jon's birthday! So, he drove me there, and then we treated ourselves afterward. More on that...

The MRI: I got changed into scrubs and then they inserted an IV. I laid face down on a table with breast inserts and they played 80s music in my headphones. Halfway through, they injected the contrast dye via IV, and it felt a little cold, but didn't make me nauseous. It was extremely strange and weirdly interesting to feel the dye going through me, but the loud clicking and whirring of the machine was a welcome distraction. The scan itself only took about 20 minutes, and I couldn't wait to get out of there, so I sat up quickly when they rolled me out of the tube. Little did I know, the table had been raised. I almost fell to the floor, and gave the two techs and myself quite a bit of a scare for a second. But, all was well. They removed the IV and I was on my way.

Jon and I decided to decompress by eating out for the second time in 5 months (due to COVID-19 scares). We sat outside at one of our favorite downtown places, Cantina 76. The food and DRAFT BEER (been eons since we had that, too) was perfect.  

So, now, more waiting. All the "cancer club" (worst club to be in - no one wants membership, but once you have it, you need those people more than anything) sisters say the waiting for this result and that result is worse than any surgery or treatment. Gosh, I pray they are right. Next week, we will learn if I am BRCA gene positive, and also if today's MRI showed anything else that is a concern. 

So, tick tock.

Genes

Today, I had my genetic counseling appointment. We discussed my family history and then my blood was drawn. They are looking for the BRCA (breast cancer) gene mutation. If I have it, we might be looking at a recurrence down the road, so we will probably decide to do a bilateral mastectomy. If I am negative (results come in a week), then we might still have just the lumpectomy. My MRI this Friday will also help inform part of the puzzle, as they will be looking for other previously undetectable spots in both breasts.

There is always waiting for one result or another. But, I am thankful the scientists involved have done SO MUCH WORK over the decades to get to this point and get me the best treatment available at this time in life.

Prayers are appreciated for great news from both the genetic test and Friday's MRI.

Joy

Saturday, a family member and his friend invited us to the lake for some tubing. I chose not to get in, due to my biopsy incision still not being fully healed, but I LOVED watching Jon and the boys thoroughly enjoy every moment. We will do more things like this!

Another bit of joy is the MULTIPLE cards, texts, gifts, calls, and prayers I have received already, and we're only in the first moments of the diagnosis. It has all helped tremendously! The humans in our circles from near and far are kind, selfless, magical beings. One of my colleagues who reached out to me used this hashtag for her journey: #loveshowsup. And it's true!

Books

The book on top was given to me by my "nurse navigator," an angel who works for the hospital to keep all the different departments on one page of information disbursement for me. The bottom one was recommended to me by a dear friend who's been down this crappy road. They're both 300 pagers and I've devoured most of them. They are helpful, but there is also a time I need to stop reading, too, when all becomes a little too much.

And speaking of recommendations, one reason I am blogging about this is because of the positive, fearless stories I have read and listened to that have helped me cope so far. Stories from people I physically KNOW. If you get breast cancer, DEPEND ON THOSE WOMEN. They are angels. More about these folks in a later post. In MANY later posts.

I am totally digressing, but more angels are my beautiful husband and children. They are handling this news like champs, ever cheerful and optimistic, trying to keep me from going down the deep, dark rabbit hole. Love to ALL.

Surgeon

This morning, we met with Dr. Craft, my surgeon. Jon and I both really like him! He is smart and kind and funny and explains things well. Pending some more testing (genetics and an MRI), he believes I may be able to "escape" with a lumpectomy and some daily radiation treatments, in addition to probable hormonal therapy for a few years. The good news is that all my hormone receptors are positive, which makes this a lot easier to treat. My tumor is about 1 cm in diameter. Next step: testing.

By the way, due to the COVID-19 pandemic, this is the only appointment Jon will be allowed to attend with me. That adds another whole level of "scary" to this fight, but I can handle it.

Breast Cancer

DIAGNOSIS: Breast Cancer. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 1. I am in shock and eager to learn the next steps when we meet with my surgeon.

Biopsy

This morning, I had a core biopsy. It involved a small pinch with lidocaine and then the removal (via large clicking needle that I chose not to look at) of some cells from the spot they don't like. It was basically painless, and the sweet tech held my hand the entire time as the doctor, tech and I discussed dogs and band. Results will be here tomorrow.